Who is afraid of belonging_ blog

Cycle 9/12 of 108 days of happiness

Yes, I know we need to belong and feel connected to feel happy and alive. So why did I take the other road to be a fish out of water? I actually know why, now that I remember what experiences I wanted this time on earth: to find love, lose it and then find it again.

But how do I stay happy now? I am longing to belong, but if I look at my actions, I do the opposite. I decline invitations and I recently skipped meetings with two of the wonderful groups that welcomed me.

It is time to talk to the shadow part of me, hiding in my subconscious. It has been a long time since I have done this process.

I go to sit outside by the water and feel the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the earth underneath me and I go into a meditation/visualization to have a talk with that subpersonality of mine.

I start to journey down into my inner kingdom and the place I am guided to go. I set the intention to meet whoever I need to meet to help me change my behavior, so I can have a happier result to connect and belong again, after years of isolation.

I meet anger towards myself and I face it, breath into it until it is gone and I can see clearly.

I come to a place that looks like an American 1950’s dinner. It is full of people of all kinds. When I come in, they look at me. I signal with my hand that I want to speak and they fall silent, but smile. And I say: I would like to talk to the person who is isolating their self and is keeping me in isolation too.

Everybody starts to talk again. I am surprised; normally I would say: I invite you to come and talk to me. But this is different, everybody is talking at the same time. They tell me, “He would never come here to talk to you.” And I think: of course, what was I thinking?  They point and I am guided to go out to the other side of the river.

I leave the diner and realize that I am on the side of the river that is full of cafés, restaurants, people, music, and food. But they show me the other side of the river, where it is dark and indicate that he or she is on the other side.

There is a narrow bridge that leads to the other side and I am bravely crossing the dark river and leaving the lively side behind. When I get to the other side I see a tent between some big trees and feel the quiet and peaceful surroundings. I recognize a person who looks like a homeless guy, with a covered head, who isn’t making eye contact with me but is acknowledging my presence.

He lets me enter his tent, for our conversation. When I enter, I am amazed to see that the inside is full of beautiful handmade ornaments that are shaped like three-dimensional stars. The golden stars light the inside of the tent like a magical sky.

I ask him why he is isolated and he cries. I ask “How can I help you?” And he just asks me to let him cry and to hear him, with patience. I honor his wish. He needs to be heard. I get it.

I can imagine the city people would enjoy his stars and use them to decorate their trees and homes, but he could not do that and like a snail, he chooses to hide in his shell.

His sadness is still deep, so he just cries, starts to make some sounds and turns inward until he becomes a ball.

The ball is white, peaceful, clean and round. I am just witnessing as this is all I need to do. Then he becomes a very young lamb and steps carefully towards me. His little woolly body is so fragile and his eyes are looking at me with trust. I take him in my arms and feel his wish to join his own flock. Suddenly it makes sense to me.

I walk with him on my shoulders and I feel like Jesus, carrying a lost sheep. That’s funny, I think to myself. I feel a strong appreciation to the flock, and to sheep and feel that their beautiful qualities are unappreciated by people who prefer to be the hunters: foxes, wolves, and lions.

But I see their gentle greatness.

As we walk towards the bridge, back to the lively town side of the river, the tent follows us and opens into two big wings, like a butterfly, with the ornaments magnificently decorating the wings.

As we cross the bridge, we begin to fly, raining golden stars on the earth and its people and we become lights and stars in the sky.

Is the process complete, I ask my guides? It is done, it is done, it is done.

I open my eyes from my journey and feel very grateful.