The down side of my creativity

Our essence is creative.
Our heart is creative.
Our mind is creative.
Our body is creative
Our Spirit is extremely creative.

Everything about being a human involves the creation, in my opinion, and our lives are created in the making and in total correspondence with the law of the universe. After saying that today, I must admit, I am a bit annoyed with my creativity. I am overwhelmed with ideas, wishes and the shortage of time.

I encourage people to open their creativity in all the ways they can find, so they can find the power of their humanity. I teach and preach about finding your own signature voice so you can bring out the Happy Goddessa in you. I totally believe that every person has a special genius that needs to be expressed in a lifetime and I am completely committed to this mission.

But today I am frustrated.

I am frustrated, not because of the lack of it, but due to the avalanche effect, it has on me.

Maybe it sounds like a luxurious problem; so I will start my story with a confession. I must confess here and for the first time ever that I am a compulsive creative. I can’t stop creating and that is my drug of choice.

I haven’t harmed my body with harmful substances but I have created so much on so many mediums that my drawers, my basements, and my hard disk are full of writing, stories, tales, blogs, concepts, plays, books.

I also have songs, chants, prayers, productions of music, jazz songs I wrote, pop, dance tribals, sacred music meditations, audio lessons, videos, vlogs.

I am not done yet, my graphic bags are full of illustrations, drawing exercises, paintings, graphic designs, my own book illustrations, sketches. My home is full of handmade pillows, ceramics, mirror frames, costumes from my live shows, costumes from my rituals, jewelry made for my performances, images created for social media, photos, and archives of all the productions I have created in the past.

Did I forget something? Probably.

The reason for the frustration and high emotions today is that I moved to this new house and new life and thankfully, now, I see all of it parading in front of me in every room of my house.

I am frustrated that I have brought creations into being, but haven’t yet used creativity to share and publish it in the world. I feel I have no excuse, as technology has made it so easy to share everything you want, but I haven’t yet found the balance.

For years I got better and better in my crafts but believed less and less that I have a place in the world. But the most profound and most powerful thing that happened is that I started to ask: Who and what in me is stopping me? And that question places all of the power back in my hands and with self-awareness and self-discovery, self- empowerment happens. That has also become a big part of the Goddessa Guide to happiness.

I discovered most of the shadow aspects of myself who prefer to stay in hiding from the big bad world. I found tons of disempowering beliefs and realized that it is family-line programming to stay an unfulfilled creator.

Full happiness can’t happen without fulfilling our soul mission

This year, while visiting my mother, I cut the last cord from that tradition. I realized, again, that full happiness can’t happen without fulfilling our soul mission and I choose that over loyalty to the old paradigm.

I released myself and my mother from that obligation to stay hiding, to store creativity without the joy of sharing. As I looked around my mother’s house, I saw that full-color paintings are hanging everywhere. My mother made them when she took art classes and the fiery passionate artist in her came out. My mother had also delicate needlepoint she made, some of it from the traditional designs of our tribe. She had jewelry that her sister made, and papercut artwork her other sister made.

My tribe and its history are full of art, craft, dance, and music and most of them are artists, healers, and scholars. Since we became westernized, many are frustrated artists, as if art has the right to exists only if it’s a profession. I choose to break the pattern but it is not easy.

I tell my mother: “It’s time for you to care for your own happiness, you can’t wait for anyone.” At the same moment we are talking, a friend of my mother joins us in the garden to encourage her to join the theater group for seniors again.

I love that idea.

My mother mentioned her ill health but after some discussion, she agreed. Maybe, she would do it. Two weeks later, I am talking to my mother on Skype, she looks 20 years younger. She is telling me about the rehearsals of the theater group, where she astonished everyone with her daring and got a solo act. The same fiery passion that comes out in the colorful paintings, is coming out on stage and instead of talking about illness and hospital visits my mother shares her spicy monologue with me and I am so happy for her. If my mother can find a way to express her creativity at 70, then there is hope for all of us.

108-day challenge

In this 108 day challenge, which I gave myself, I ask: How do I stay happy? and give a critical look at what I need to do, change or accept in order to create a better future.

So, even though creativity is a wonderful subject and a great gift to us all, it also almost damaged me. I almost lost my mind all these years where I could not stop creating new stuff and didn’t find or create channels to let it come into the world.

Sometimes I understood that I had to stop creating new things and take time to find the place, people, and audiences for my products, but I could not do that.

The word marketing comes back again and again and I realize I do not speak this language.

I have an idea and I make it happen and all the middle section where you evaluate your idea or even “validate your idea” a marketing term I now learned in Online business school, completely escaped me.

So, more ideas kept coming into my head and my hands or my voice pitched to enable them to be born and my house just got fuller and fuller with things until I started to believe that nobody wanted what I had to give and that, let’s tell the truth, broke my heart.

My new Ayurvedic doctor said it clearly. With an Indian accent and compassion in her eyes, she said: You lived with inner conflict as your Pita (fire) in your head just wants to run fast but your Kapha body can’t keep up. You need your Kapha (earth & water) to be stronger to balance yourself out.

I had to smile, as balancing the male and the female, the fast and the slow, the extrovert and introvert in myself, is my life challenge but also the core of the teaching of the Goddessa Guide.

So, once again, to have more happiness I must find a balance between all that I am – the wild, the sensible, the creator, the planner, the performer, the hermit, the world conqueror, the homemaker, the business owner, the housewife, the vocalist, the painter, the poet, the one who wants to succeed and the one that doesn’t.

Now, after allowing myself to complain, confess, and process, I also let the wise part of me say this to me: be patient, see your vision, and walk towards it. Listen to your inner guidance, do what you have to do, heal what you have to heal and step by step you will share your kingdom’s riches with the world.